Warning Labels

Since I was on the topic of all those scary FDA-mandated warnings that are the end of almost every prescription drug commercial on TV, I got to thinking “why do they bother?” After all, most of us have become so numb to this little medical horror stories that we automatically tune them out. Besides, shouldn’t be warned about harmful side effects by the doctor writing the prescription or the pharmacist dispensing the medication?

Don’t get me wrong – I think that commercials for prescription medications should include stern warnings – but I think that these warnings should be more along these lines:



WARNING: Accountants have determined that use of this medication can cause irreparable harm to your bank account. One month’s supply costs more than your car payment. If you have prescription coverage, please realize that drugs like these are the reason why your premium id going up by 20% next year.




WARNING: This drug really isn’t tested as well as it should be. We’ve cut as many corners as possible in order to get it to market before the competition releases their overpriced pill. As a result, we’re probably going to discover some unforeseen side effects somewhere down the road. The only reason why we’re telling you about the bad side effects that we currently know about is because the FDA is making us do it. Besides, our lawyers tell us that this may prevent you from suing us in the future when your hair falls out and you lose your senses of taste and smell.




WARNING: Even though this drug was designed, tested, and manufactured in the USA, it sells for a lot less in every other country in the world. That’s because foreign governments set prices and limit what we can charge for it. Bastards.

That’s what we love about America. Here, we can pay lobbyists tons of money to ensure that your government won’t let this price fixing happen here. Our lobbyists even got your government to pass laws that prevent you from buying these drugs cheaper from another country over the internet. Our lobbyists are very good. They are also very expensive, but that’s OK – we just pass the costs on to you.




WARNING: Only one person in a thousand actually has the illness that this drug is for. You might ask yourself “How can they afford to advertise it on national TV?” It’s really quite simple – we just pass the costs on to the people who actually need the drug and are forced to pay the outrageous price tag..




WARNING: This drug doesn’t treat your condition any better than that $4.00 Generic medication. The generic medication is well tested and we know that it won’t have any unforeseen side effects. The only thing that’s wrong with the generic drug is that its patent has expired, and we can’t overcharge for it anymore.

We’re going to lead you to believe that the generic drug is somehow lower quality. The truth is, we make it on the same factory as the new drug that we’re trying to sell you.




WARNING: The statistical evidence that we’re presenting about the superiority of this drug are really questionable. Statistics are easy to manipulate. We use them to lie to you.




WARNING: Our profit margins are astronomical. We take a few pennies worth of chemicals and sell them for hundreds of dollars. We do have high costs, but they have nothing to do with the manufacturing of this drug. Take this TV commercial, for instance. It costs us many thousands of dollars each time we air it. And we air it many times a day all over the country. It’s OK, though, because we’re passing the costs on to you.



WARNING: You can’t buy this drug on your own. You can’t decide that this is the right drug for you. That’s really your Doctor’s decision. So why do we spend millions advertising it directly to consumers? Good question.




WARNING: This might not be the best drug for you. However, we’er going to bribe your Doctor so that he or she will prescribe it. We do this with free lunches, theatre and sporting tickets, special all expenses paid travel junkets, and free pens , post it notes, and other office supply goodies. Most Doctors never have to spend a penny for pens and note pads. Most Doctors never have to buy lunch for themselves or their staff either. We buy this for them, and then we pass the cost on to you.



WARNING: This drug is really expensive. Doctors don’t really care what these drug cost, because we give them all they could use for free. Same goes for their staff, family and friends.




WARNING: This drug is really expensive. Your insurance company doesn’t want to pay for it so they’re going to charge you a really high co-pay in order to discourage you from buying it. That’s OK, though, because we’re going to give you a special discount card so you don’t have to pay a lot of money out of pocket. You’ll just end up paying for it next year when your insurance premiums skyrocket, but that’s OK too because we know that you’ll blame your insurance company and not us.



WARNING: This prescription pain killer doesn’t cost us any more to manufacture than that bottle of generic pain killer that you bought at Walmart last week. Doesn’t even work much better, either. But we can charge 100 times more for it. Isn’t that awesome?


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