Healthcare Hullabaloo: Doctor Jokes

Did you hear the one about…..

When I was a kid, used to like reading my Mom’s copy of Readers Digest (Yes, in someways, I was a weird kid). I especially used to like the humor sections. One such section I recall reading was titled “Laughter is the Best Medicine”, which featured medically related jokes.

I still have more Bizarro posts, but they’re really starting to get my blood boiling. So I’ve decided to take a short break from all this heavy discussion and lighten things up a bit with some medical humor.

However, please be forewarned that these are jokes that you wouldn’t find on the pages of Reader’s Digest.

Here we go:

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Q: How many Chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but it takes 30 – 40 visits.

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A doctor is on the first green of a golf course. He goes to write down his score and absent-mindedly pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket. When he realizes what he’s done, he curses under his breath. When his golfing partners ask him what’s wrong, he complains “some asshole has my pencil”.

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Did you hear about the pediatric gynecologist who went to the eye doctor? It seems that everything was looking fuzzy to him.

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A brain surgeon wakes up on a Sunday morning to discover that a pipe leak has flooded his basement. After frantically calling around, he finally finds a plumber who is willing to come out on a Sunday. The plumber goes down into the basement, walks up to the leaking pipem removes a wrench from his back pocket, and stops the leak with a few quick turns. He then hands the doctor a bill for $500.00. The doctor is incensed – he yells at the plumber “I’m a BRAIN SURGEON and I don’t make $500 for 5 minutes work! The plumber shrugs and says “that’s why I gave up my practice…”

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A doctor meets a lawyer at a cocktail party. The doctor complains how everyone is always asking him for free advice. He can’t figure out how to put an end to it. The lawyer says “That’s easy – do what I do. Whenever I give someone legal advice, I simply mail them a bill for my time. Either they pay my bill, or they quick asking me for free advice”. The doctor exclaims “That’s brilliant! I’m going to start doing just that!” The doctor was thrilled with his new-found solution until the next day, when he received a bill in the mail from the lawyer….

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A Washington, DC based doctor is driving with his young son in the car. His son asks “Daddy, what do they call that big building downtown where men sit around all day and argue about how to run things?” The doctor answers “they call it the hospital”

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Q: What’s the difference between an Oral and a Rectal thermometer?

A: The flavor

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Famous American architect Frank Lloyd Wright supposedly once complained that “Doctors can bury their mistakes – all I can do is plant vines.”

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Q: How many surgeons does it take to fix a light bulb?

A: None. Scalpels can’t cut through glass

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Did you hear about the gay male nurse?

He was so good, he could make a patient without disturbing the bed!

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Michelle Obama was touring a hospital to see first hand how national health care was affecting patient care. When the tour arrived at the Urology section of the hospital, she was shocked to see an entire ward of elderly men sitting on their beds masturbating. “What’s going on here!” she demanded. The doctor giving the tour explained that all these men suffered from enlarged prostates, and since prostate surgery was not covered under national health care, that this was the only way they could get any relief. Next they came to a semi-private room, where they found another elderly man, who was being serviced by a young candy striper. Even more shocked, she asked “…and what’s going on HERE!!!” Her tour guide explained “He’s got the same issue as those other guys, but he’s got Blue Cross”

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Q: A Valedictorian finishes first in their class and a Salutatorian finishes second in their class. What is the special name that they give to the person who finished LAST in their class at Medical School?

A: Doctor

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The importance of a good vocabulary

A young man visits a surgeon and asks to be castrated. The surgeon is shocked, and explains how this is a very a drastic procedure for a young man to have and urges him him to reconsider..

“No,” says the young man, “I have thought long and hard about it, I have read all there is about it and my mind is made up. I must have the operation.”

The operation was duly carried out and when he had recovered from the anesthetic and was back in the ward he got to talking to the other patients.

“And what are you in here for?” he asked the fellow in the next bed.

“To be circumcised.”

“DAMN, THAT was the word I was looking for!”

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A Proctologist, giving a vigorous examination, remarks “I think I’ve found something. I’m feeling a series of hard nodules.”

The winching patient replied “I think they’re my molars…”

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A guy meets a psychologist at a cocktail party. He tells the doctor “…you wanna talk about CRAZY…..my brother thinks that he’s a CHICKEN!”

The doctor replies that this is a sign of a severe psychosis, and that the man should take him to see a mental health professional as soon as possible.

The man just shrugs his shoulders and sighs “I would, but I need the eggs.”

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A grossly overweight woman is so depressed about her weight that she seeks out the services of a noted psychologist. At her first appointment, she is ushered into the doctor’s office, which is empty except for the desk where the doctor is seated. He instructs her “Lie down on the floor in front of my desk”. Puzzled, but never having been to a psychologist before, she obliges. The doctor studies her large, prone figure and then remarks “No – that isn’t it – lie down under the window”. Again she obliges, and after a few more moments of contemplation the doctor says “No – that isn’t it either – lie down next to the door”. She does as she’s told, but the doctor still shakes his head and says “No-no –no- try lying down against the far wall”. Once again, she complies and the doctor says “That’s it! You are severely depressed over your weight and how people don’t see you as a complete and valuable person. The key for you is to realize that your worth as a person is not in any way related to your weight and size. Once you’ve reached that understanding, you will be able to move on with a full, productive and happy life!”

The woman undergoes a catharsis. She leaps to her feet, and thanks the doctor profusely. “You are a miracle worker! That’s exactly the insight that I needed! And to think – you were able to diagnose me without having me say a single word – just by having me lay down on your floor in different spots. AMAZING!”

The doctor laughed and said “That had nothing to do with it. Your problem was obvious the second you waddled through my door. It’s just that I’m having a new couch delivered this afternoon, and I’m trying to figure out where to put it.”

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Alright - that's enough for now. Maybe I'll do this again.

Do you know any good medical jokes? If so, please send them to me and I'll include them the next time I do a Doctor Joke blog.

Just make sure that they're in bad taste!

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