Warning Labels

Since I was on the topic of all those scary FDA-mandated warnings that are the end of almost every prescription drug commercial on TV, I got to thinking “why do they bother?” After all, most of us have become so numb to this little medical horror stories that we automatically tune them out. Besides, shouldn’t be warned about harmful side effects by the doctor writing the prescription or the pharmacist dispensing the medication?

Don’t get me wrong – I think that commercials for prescription medications should include stern warnings – but I think that these warnings should be more along these lines:



WARNING: Accountants have determined that use of this medication can cause irreparable harm to your bank account. One month’s supply costs more than your car payment. If you have prescription coverage, please realize that drugs like these are the reason why your premium id going up by 20% next year.




WARNING: This drug really isn’t tested as well as it should be. We’ve cut as many corners as possible in order to get it to market before the competition releases their overpriced pill. As a result, we’re probably going to discover some unforeseen side effects somewhere down the road. The only reason why we’re telling you about the bad side effects that we currently know about is because the FDA is making us do it. Besides, our lawyers tell us that this may prevent you from suing us in the future when your hair falls out and you lose your senses of taste and smell.




WARNING: Even though this drug was designed, tested, and manufactured in the USA, it sells for a lot less in every other country in the world. That’s because foreign governments set prices and limit what we can charge for it. Bastards.

That’s what we love about America. Here, we can pay lobbyists tons of money to ensure that your government won’t let this price fixing happen here. Our lobbyists even got your government to pass laws that prevent you from buying these drugs cheaper from another country over the internet. Our lobbyists are very good. They are also very expensive, but that’s OK – we just pass the costs on to you.




WARNING: Only one person in a thousand actually has the illness that this drug is for. You might ask yourself “How can they afford to advertise it on national TV?” It’s really quite simple – we just pass the costs on to the people who actually need the drug and are forced to pay the outrageous price tag..




WARNING: This drug doesn’t treat your condition any better than that $4.00 Generic medication. The generic medication is well tested and we know that it won’t have any unforeseen side effects. The only thing that’s wrong with the generic drug is that its patent has expired, and we can’t overcharge for it anymore.

We’re going to lead you to believe that the generic drug is somehow lower quality. The truth is, we make it on the same factory as the new drug that we’re trying to sell you.




WARNING: The statistical evidence that we’re presenting about the superiority of this drug are really questionable. Statistics are easy to manipulate. We use them to lie to you.




WARNING: Our profit margins are astronomical. We take a few pennies worth of chemicals and sell them for hundreds of dollars. We do have high costs, but they have nothing to do with the manufacturing of this drug. Take this TV commercial, for instance. It costs us many thousands of dollars each time we air it. And we air it many times a day all over the country. It’s OK, though, because we’re passing the costs on to you.



WARNING: You can’t buy this drug on your own. You can’t decide that this is the right drug for you. That’s really your Doctor’s decision. So why do we spend millions advertising it directly to consumers? Good question.




WARNING: This might not be the best drug for you. However, we’er going to bribe your Doctor so that he or she will prescribe it. We do this with free lunches, theatre and sporting tickets, special all expenses paid travel junkets, and free pens , post it notes, and other office supply goodies. Most Doctors never have to spend a penny for pens and note pads. Most Doctors never have to buy lunch for themselves or their staff either. We buy this for them, and then we pass the cost on to you.



WARNING: This drug is really expensive. Doctors don’t really care what these drug cost, because we give them all they could use for free. Same goes for their staff, family and friends.




WARNING: This drug is really expensive. Your insurance company doesn’t want to pay for it so they’re going to charge you a really high co-pay in order to discourage you from buying it. That’s OK, though, because we’re going to give you a special discount card so you don’t have to pay a lot of money out of pocket. You’ll just end up paying for it next year when your insurance premiums skyrocket, but that’s OK too because we know that you’ll blame your insurance company and not us.



WARNING: This prescription pain killer doesn’t cost us any more to manufacture than that bottle of generic pain killer that you bought at Walmart last week. Doesn’t even work much better, either. But we can charge 100 times more for it. Isn’t that awesome?


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60 Minutes

I watched 60 Minutes last night - that long running TV News magazine renowned for its hard-hitting coverage of current events and trends.

There was a fascinating story of Dr. Dan Ecklund of Equator who was selling Stem Cell Treatments over the internet for $5,000 a shot. Dr. Ecklund was claiming that his stem cell treatments could treat a myriad of conditions, including cerebral palsy.

They managed to lure the Doctor into a Florida hotel room, where they ambushed him with a surprise hidden camera interview.

Dr. Ecklund did the most amazing thing - instead of turning on his heel and making a quick exit, he actually stayed and gave them a pretty good interview. This is remarkable because the Doctor could easily have been arrested for selling stem cells in the US. Selling stem cells in the US for an unapproved treatment is a felony.
Not that stem cells are harmful in any way - it's just that the government wants to make sure that we don't get taken by some nefarious trickster. Thank goodness for that.

The 60 Minutes reporter accused Dr. Ecklund of being a charlatan selling false hope to desperate people. They pointed out that there were no articles in any US Medical journal that supported his claims. Dr. Ecklund rebutted that there were many articles in European journals that did support his claims. (As if they know anything about medicine in Europe - if medicine in Europe was any good, why do they have to give it away?)

Throughout the interview, they intermixed comments from Dr. Kurzberg, a medical researcher at Duke University who disputed almost everything that Dr. Ecklund claimed.


60 Minutes also pointed out that Dr. Ecklund had lost his license to practice medicine in the US because he had sexual contact with an underage female patient. This was a pertinent point to their argument against Stem Cell treatments.

The Dr. Ecklund went so far as to claim that most stem cell research in this country is being suppressed by the Pharmaceutical industry - as if the Pharmaceutical industry has any influence in America! What nerve!

60 minutes also made a point of mocking Dr. Ecklund's 'state of the art' Ecuadorian laboratory. Even the poorest pharmaceutical company in the US would be embarrassed by such a shoddy lab!

I am so glad that venerable news organizations are increasing public awarness about the evils od stem cell treatment. Recently, my pal's dog had some stem cell injections to treat hip Dysplasia. It worked so well that the dog is back to normal activity. But who in their right mind would want to receive the same medical treatment that they use on ANIMALS? Even if it potentially could bringsome relief to people suffering from horrible conditions like cerebral palsy? Thank God that they force Doctors like Dan Ecklund to practice healing in some third world Banana Republic, where there is no FDA (or pharmaceutical industry)!

Finally, Dr. Ecklund had had enough grilling from the 60 Minutes reporter, and he got up and left the interview. 60 Minutes then cut to a commercial.

Turns out that the entire segment was brought to us courtesy of Lipitor. A little internet research shows that Duke University gets billions in donations from the US Pharmaceutical industry. Reading the 60 Minutes web site this morning, I was amazed by the number of people commenting on the segment and extolling the effectiveness of Stem Cell research for a myriad of conditions, including Cerebral Palsy.

Those of us suffering from diseases or conditions that could potentially be reversed or cured by innocuous stem cells will just have to wait for the proper research to be completed before we can receive stem cell therapy. Even once all the medical evidence is in, it's still going to take a VERY long time before some lawyer is able to figure out how to patent stem cells. While stem cell treatments at $5,000 a shot might sound expensive, they're actually a lot less expensive than a lifelong course of pharmaceuticals that don't actually cure anything. Stem cells have a lousy business model.


Normally, this might raise a few eyebrows regarding the voracity of the 60 Minutes interview. But, hey, as they pointed out, Dr. Ecklund is a child molester! Who would want what he's selling?



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The New American Idol

And so it begins again. The cycle continues. And I’m tired of it.

In a couple of weeks, the next season of ‘American Idol’ will begin its five month assault on our TV screens, monopolizing the prime time schedule and clogging up our DVR’s. It will once again ask the question “Who will be the next American Idol?”, and once again, I will answer “I don’t care”.

The well tested formula will be repeated. The first month of shows will undoubtedly be the auditions, where people who can carry a tune will be intermixed with clips of those who can’t sing at all. Usually, this second group will consist of people who are living in denial of their lack of talent, and many of them will curse out the judges who brought this fact to light in front of a national audience. One judge will have their own moments of insanity (I’m looking at you, Steven Tyler). Ho-hum. We’ve all seen this before.

There will be stories of contestants who have overcome some adversity in their lives to make it into the next phase of the competition. There will also be a least one contestant who didn’t make it last year and who is now back for a second try at stardom. How droll.

You can also bet that at least one contestant will have an illegitimate child who they ‘miss terribly’. Another contestant will have had a recent death in their family, and they’ll be dedicating their performances to the memory of the dearly departed. Wake me when it’s over.

There’s going to be special guest mentors who will have the contestants perform songs that are entirely unsuited to their vocal talent, and judges who criticize these contestants for their poor song choice. Randy Jackson will call everyone ‘dog’, and question the way that some people are dressed. (remember what they say about people living in glass houses, Randy)



Finally, we’ll have many, many moments of artificial drama, fueled by the talent less Ryan Seacrest, as well as plenty of adolescent little girls flashing placards that were handed out by the show’s producers. I think that I’m going to be ill.

If last season is any indication (and I think that it was), American Idol has jumped the proverbial shark. Last season ended in what amounted to a Country-Western Karaoke contest, and most of America was bored to tears. I know that I was.




At least Simon Cowell had the good sense to leave this fiasco. He pulled a Don Mattingly, and tendered his resignation before he embarrassed himself too badly.

Mr. Cowell just finished the first season of his new show, the X-Factor, which was marginally better than American Idol, but in the end was just another re-warmed rehash of the genre. I give that show another year or so until it degrades into the tasteless goo that American Idol has become.

Let’s face it – lots of folks can carry a tune. Many of them have good vocal instruments that can be fine tuned by professionals into something that is pleasant to listen to. And some of those folks also have a good stage presence, but so what? The lounges of Las Vegas are chock full of such people, and we really don’t need any more of them.



What we need is a new genre of talent show – one that will help discover the next rare talent – and I think that I have found ‘just what the Doctor ordered”.

I call the show ‘The FDA Factor’ (it’s a working title).

I came up with this idea when I realized that the most truly gifted vocalists on the planet are those that you hear at the end of every pharmaceutical advertisement on TV. They’re the disembodied voices that list off all of the dire side effects of whatever pharmaceutical is being pimped in the commercial, and they do so in the most pleasant way possible. This is no easy task.

These voices must sound friendly yet authoritative at the same time. Most importantly, they need to make the horrible side effects of each drug sound non-scary. This is REAL talent. Usually, the mere mentioning of these horrifying effects would make us lose our lunch. They usually sound like something out of a Stephen King novel. “Sudden death”, “Heart Attack”, “Stroke”, “Birth Defects”, “Cancer”, “uncontrollable Muscle Movements”, “Loss of Vision and Hearing” – these are just some of the medical horrors we all hear several times a day being rattled off at the end of almost every drug commercial. Earlier today I heard a commercial for a drug that listed “Uncontrolled Bleeding” as its side effect. Another one talked about a "Fatal Brain Condition". Yikes!

So why aren’t we all freaked out by the mere mentioning of these terrible things? It’s got to be ‘The Voice’. The calm, cool, soothing tones that help make the unthinkable seem downright palatable. Now that’s REAL rare talent.



I know that Scotty McCreery couldn’t do this in that twangy baritone (unless the side effect was an 'Achey-Breaky Heart'). Forget about Kelly Clarkson too. Fantasia and Adam Lambert would probably have the opposite effect and make the nasty side effects sound even worse than they are (if that’s even possible).



No, I think that we all can agree that it takes a one in a million type voice to pull this magic act off.

Everything else about my new show would loosely follow the trusty, rusty American Idol formula. Instead of Ryan Seacrest, actor Hugh Laurie could be the host. The winner would get a million dollar deal making commercials for some multinational pharmaceutical company. The judges could be a panel of former pharmaceutical reps. Instead of Coca-Cola, the contest could be sponsored by Panera’s (the unofficial supplier of free Doctor’s lunches in the pharmaceutical industry). Instead of the Kodak Theater, the final show could take place at the AAFP National Convention. The show practically writes itself.



Aside from the entertainment value, the show would provide a much needed service for industry as well. With the continuous release of poorly tested, overpriced pharmaceuticals being unleashed on the American public, Big Pharm is going to need all the spokesmen and women to convince us that that new acne drug is worth risking that brain tumor for.

Hey, Fox Network, let’s cut a deal. Call Me! I’m in the book.



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A Christmas Story

Seasons greetings from the American Pharmaceutical industry. In his season of giving, they are delivering an extra-special holiday gift for you!

Actually, it’s not a NEW gift, technically. It’s really just an old product that is being repackages in a new, larger form. I guess it’s kinda like they are re-gifting us (insert Seinfeld reference here). But, boy oh boy, it is just sooooo damn exciting, who cares?!



Four separate drug companies have announced that they are seeking to release a new pill containing the highly addictive painkiller hydrocodone,. This is the stuff inside popular poppers like Vicodin . But the ALL NEW AND IMPROVED versions will contain up to 10 times the the amount of hydrocodone as existing medications such as Vicodin. Four companies have begun patient testing, and one company — Zogenix - is planning to apply early next year to begin marketing its super-charged pill which they call Zohydro.

What makes this superpill especially noteworthy is that it will be the first time anyone can legally buy pure, unadulterated hydrocodone.
Physicians are extremely excited about this new pill – one in particular comes to mind.



Namby-pamby worrywarts are fearful that this new pill will be abused by patients. But hey, just because the new pill happens to contain ten times more of the second most abused prescription drug in the US doesn’t necessarily mean that people will abuse it. After all, just because I buy my laundry detergent at Costco in boxes that are ten times size of a regular box that you buy at the supermarket doesn’t mean that I do more laundry. (OK – that’s a bad analogy. But, rest assured, the Spin Doctors are hard at work as you read this. They will soon be able to justify this pill in a dozen different ways).

April Rovero, president of the National Coalition Against Prescription Drug Abuse. Complains ""I have a big concern that this could be the next OxyContin”.



Poo-poo on you, April. You say that like it’s a bad thing, In 2008, Big Pharm sold 2.5 Billion dollars of the stuff in the US alone. From the viewpoint of Big Pharm, being the next Oxycontin is a VERY GOOD THING.

It’s really just a matter of perspective. After all, isn’t addiction just an extreme form of brand loyalty? To paraphrase Milo Milobender “"What's good for Big Pharm, is good for the country".

My biggest fear is that the FDA will drag their collective feet on this new horse pill. You know, like the way that they do with non-addictive pain killers like Medical Marijuana. Hey FDA – the economy needs a big boost. There are billions to be made here. So what if we have to deal with a few million more Americans with a monkey on their backs? Monkeys are cute – aren’t they?



So, I say, Godspeed, Big Pharm. Santa (or is it Sandoz?) Claus is on his way with a new bag of goodies for us all. Get out of the way, FDA. Let’s rush these exciting new drugs to market as quickly as we can. After all, what’s the worst that could happen?”





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Bar Bets

Wanna make some money? Here’s some easy bar bets that you can use to take some money from your friends and acquaintances. (It does help if they had a few beers before you make these bets, but it is not 100% necessary.

BET #1: Hey, I bet you don’t know what Neil Armstrong said when he became the first man to step on the moon!



99% of people who take this bet will say “"That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”. Great answer, but they’re wrong. What Neil actually said was "That's one small step for A man, one giant leap for mankind.” It seems that NASA’s crappy 1960’s radio cut out at the most inopportune moment and nobody here on Earth heard the ‘A’. Subsequent digital analysis of that famous sentence proved that there was an ‘A’ in there. Plus, the quote makes a heck of a lot more sense with the extra ‘A’.



BET #2: Hey, I bet you don’t know who the first American in space was!



While not quite as much of a sure thing as the Neil Armstrong quote, this one should still make you some money. Most people will confidently say that John Glenn holds that honor, but again, they’d be wrong. The first American in space was Alan Sheppard. John Glenn was the first American to ORBIT the Earth – Alan’s short flight was a simple up and down affair, but he did reach the edge of outer space. For some reason, people forget all about Alan’s flight and give the honor to John Glenn, who must have had a better Press Agent.

Alan also had the greatest quote ever issued by an astronaut (in my humble opinion).. When he was asked what thoughts were doing through his mind in the seconds before blast off, Alan quipped that he thought “My God! This thing (his rocket ship) was built by the lowest bidder!!


BET#3: While on the subject of firsts in flight, I bet you don’t know who made the first non-stop flight across the Atlantic Ocean!



Pshaw! Even a 3rd grader knows that Charles Lindberg, ole “Lucky Lindy” himself, made this historic flight in the “Spirit of St. Louis”, the plane that now hangs in the Smithsonian! Yeah. That’s an easy one, but once again, it’s the wrong answer. The feat was accomplished by British aviators Alcock and Brown who made the first non-stop transatlantic flight in June 1919, eight years before Lindbergh made the first SOLO flight.


BET#4: Here is a straightforward bet without any trick answer. Most people know that the B-29 named the “Enola Gay” dropped the first atomic bomb on Japan in World War II. The Enola Gay, now fully restored, also sits in the Smithsonian.



I bet you that you don’t know the name of the airplane that dropped the second atomic bomb – you know – the one that actually ended the war.

Most people don’t know the answer, and for the simple reason that it’s important to be first. Like the loser of the Super Bowl or the World Series, second place just doesn't seem to count for much in America.

Regardless of the order of their feats, Armstrong, Glenn, Sheppard and Lindbergh will always retain their well deserved place in American History. They all brought glory to the USA by their historic firsts, and they have cemented their place in the Pantheon of American Heroes.

We need our heroes. In fact, need one in New Jersey right now. Here’s why:


In spite of the Medical Marijuana law being approved in New Jersey and passing all the legal hurdles, the program has yet to get off of the ground. One major sticking point is that physicians are scared stiff of being the first one in the state to write a prescription for it.

Even though Medical Marijuana is now legal in New Jersey, it is still a Federal crime to possess it. And since the DEA, the organization that gives physicians the right to write prescriptions is a federal agency. Physicians are afraid of losing their DEA license if they write a prescription for medical marijuana.

A physician without a DEA license is almost worthless. In fact, in states like California, physicians writing scripts for Medical Marijuana usually prescribe no other medications, so they have nothing to lose. They are depicted as being a bit of a joke, but they are just victims of the ridiculous Federal system- the only doctors who feel safe prescribing marijuana have nothing left to lose.



It’s time for the Federal government to step up and repeal the ridiculous laws that are crippling the use of Medical Marijuana. These prejudiced laws were written back in the days when alcohol was banned, Bonnie and Clyde terrorized the Midwest, and many American still didn’t have indoor plumbing. Federal laws against Medical Marijuana need to go the way of Flappers, Speakeasys, segregated water fountains, and outhouses. We’ve grown as a nation in so many ways since the days when marijuana was depicted as the evil weed. We now know much better. The Feds need to throw yet another anachronistic prejudice aside. They need to allow their suffering citizens legal access to this medicine.

The gig is up – everyone knows that the only reason why this isn’t happening is because Medical Marijuana doesn’t come in a little brown plastic bottle, and it isn’t manufactured by a multi-billion dollar corporation.

Oh, and by the way, the airplane that dropped the second atomic bomb on Nagasaki Japan on August 9, 1945, practically single handedly ending the greatest war the planet has ever experienced was called ‘Bockscar’. It resides in the National Museum of the United States Air Force, in Dayton, Ohio.

You owe me five bucks.



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The Deer Hunter

It’s hunting season again.

Deer hunters in Day-Glo Orange junp suits have been sighted at WaWa, sipping coffee in the dark-early, fortifying themselves for a day sitting up a tree on an uncomfortable piece of metal.




Turkey hunters are practicing their calls, hoping to entice some fat Tom into shotgun range.

Slick, fast-talking pitchmen are reaching out to senior citizens, imploring them to enroll in their Medicare programs.



Just like that 5 point buck or Tom Turkey, those poor seniors who answer their call are in for a nasty surprise.

Believe it or not, Medicare is great health insurance. It covers almost every medical procedure a person may need. Plus, the US Government puts a strict limit on what providers can charge Medicare patients, and this fee is much less then the going rate. If a procedure is denied by Medicare (unless the patient agreed to it up front) the provider cannot balance bill the patient.

Medicare is not free, of course. The patient is responsible for a co=payment that amounts to 20% of the government mandated rate, Fortunately, there is supplemental insurance that can cover even this expense.

Medicare is not perfect, however. There are things that is basic Medicare does not cover at all, like prescription medications. However, there are supplemental insurance plans that cover these expenses.

Most seniors these days can afford the out of pocket expenses from traditional Medicare. Unfortunately, some cannot. These poor souls are the ones targeted by the TV pitchmen.

For several years now, the government has allowed ‘private’ health insurance carriers to operate their own form of Medicare. Patients who opt for this coverage lose their traditional coverage and receive their coverage through one of these alternate plans, which are, in effect, a HMO.



Seniors are enticed by promises of lower co-pays, free gym memberships, and prescription coverage, but they usually don’t realize what they lose – great, cover-all health insurance. Once they sigh on the bottom line, for the next year at least, they are subject to greatly reduced coverage under the HMO plan. What sounded great on TV often becomes a sad story of seniors being denied access to health care that was covered by traditional Medicare.

I pity these hapless souls, just like I pity that beautiful Buck tied to the hood of that Chevy pickup in the Wal-Mart parking lot.


Like Joni said, “don’t is always seem to go….”

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