Medical Marijuana

Forget NORML – what a bunch of losers. Since their founding in 1970, the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (NORML) has been a miserable failure. After 40 years of effort, Medical Marijuana is still only available in 14 out of 50 states.,

If it were up to me, I could get it legalized in all 50 states within 30 days time – guaranteed. The solution NORML has been looking for is so simple, it’s incredible that they never thought of it. Maybe I should offer to sell my solution to them for big bucks. On second thought, I’ll just tell everyone here – just remember where you heard it first. Ready??? Here it is:

Just let Merck patent it.
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Yes, grant Merck (or Pfizer or any other major pharmaceutical company for that matter) the patent for Medical Marijuana and watch what happens within the next 30 days. First, they are going to come up with a catchy name for the stuff, something like ‘Canniball THC’. Next, every drug study from the last 50 years that showed the benefits of Medical Marijuana will be re-evaluated in a new, positive light. Then, the TV commercials will start extolling the virtues of Medical Marijuana for a myriad of illnesses including Cancer, MS, AIDS, and Glaucoma. Soon, it will be the new Lipitor – everyone will have a script for it.

Anything worth doing is worth doing to excess, so they won’t stop there. Next, they’ll come up with a never-before heard of ‘syndrome’ that Medical Marijuana will be the answer to. I can see the commercial now:

Patient: What is it Doctor? What’s wrong with me?

Doctor: I’m afraid you have a type of chronic white eye syndrome.

Patient: Is it serious?

Doctor: It can be, especially if you’re a British soldier advancing up Bunker Hill. I’m writing you a script for Canniball THC

Patient: Is it safe?

(Camera zooms in for a close-up of the Doctor’s face, which features two very bloodshot eyes)

Doctor: I use it myself, Dude.

Then comes the disclaimer:

Use of Cannibal THC may have several side effects, none of them serious. Side effects may include giddiness, lethargy, paranoia, affinity for music and flashing lights, and an uncontrollable desire for junk food. If you experience any of these side effects while using Cannibal THC, chill.

Naysayers may think that a pharmaceutical company can’t patent a plant, but they’re wrong – pharmaceutical companies have been doing this for years. Many modern pharmaceuticals are based on plant extracts, so allowing them to patent marijuana would just be business as usual.

Plus, my plan dovetails nicely with promoting the new health care reform legislation – millions of currently uninsured Americans will have a new-found interest in having health insurance, so long as their policy includes prescription drug coverage.

All the players will benefit as well.

Pharmaceutical companies will have found a new, untapped, multi-billion dollar revenue stream.

Health insurance carriers will be able to raise monthly premiums even more to compensate for the increased expenditures for Medical Marijuana.

Lawyers will sue the drug companies and doctors for damages every time a seed pops and burns someone’s chest.

Everybody wins.

As soon as sales start to level off, in a few years time, the pharmaceutical companies will be sure to release Cannibal in a new, non-prescription strength (probably made in Mexico). On that glorious day, anyone will be able to walk into the local Wal-Mart and buy a pack of Cannibal OTC. And NORML’s dream will finally be realized.
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It’s really that simple.



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