Around the World in 80 Minutes

Today I took a little tour around the world, courtesy of my health care carrier.

I picked up a prescription today, and I was told that my co-pay was $35.00. Practicing what I preach, I asked the pharmacist “How much would that cost me if I didn’t have insurance?” I was told it would have cost me $35.99.

What the hell, I thought, let me call my carrier and see if this is a mistake. And so began my ‘World Tour’. I picked up my phone, and dialed the 800 number on my ID Card…little did I realize that my phone would instantly become my own personal magic carpet, instantly transporting me all around this blue marble….




First stop: Exotic India. I spent a good 30 minutes on the phone with a very nice lady.

It would have been shorter, but she couldn’t understand my New Jersey accent and I couldn’t understand her New Dehli one. She patiently explained that, according to my plan, the prescription fell into the $35 co-pay category. But, I protested, why am I paying close to $2,000 a month for health care coverage when all I am saving is 99 cents? Oh, that’s a different department. Let me give you another 800 number. Someone at that office will be sure to assist you….

Next Stop: Southwestern US. Since my new Indian friend couldn’t answer the 99 cent question (she “wasn’t trained for that”), she transferred me to the ‘Group Health Service Center’, located somewhere in the great Southwest.


Here, another very nice person told me that my new Indian friend should have answered my question and that she should have never transferred me to her department. Her department doesn’t handle that. My new Southwestern lady friend couldn’t help me, but she seemed to genuinely feel bad about my situation. I guess even cowgirls do get the blues. She gave me another 800 number and told me to “ask for a supervisor”.


Next Stop: Back to New Dehli: Here I made another new Indian friend, who had a better command of the Queen’s English.


Unfortunately, she couldn’t answer my 99 cent question, either. I would have to discuss this with my employer. Well, I explained, I’m self employed. Does my plan cover mental health? You know, just in case someone catches me talking to myself and decides to commit me for a psychological evaluation. She didn’t know how to answer this, so I followed the advice of my new cowgirl friend and politely asked to speak with her supervisor. Unfortunately, he wasn’t available. (He probably auditioned for the Indian version of ‘Who Wants to be a Millionairre” and was busy being tortured by the police). With no other options, she regretfully informed me that she was sari but I would have to speak with someone in ‘Corporate’…. She gave me yet another 800 number to call. These people ladled out 800 numbers like vindaloo at an all you can eat buffet. I said my goodbyes to my other new Indian friend, and bid a fond farewell to the Indian subcontinent….

Last Stop: The Nutmeg State: Here, at long last, I had the good fortune to speak with a nice gentleman from the Corporate HQ in Connecticut. Surely he would have an answer to the 99 cent question!



And he did! After ‘looking into it’, he told me that my pre-packaged prescription was for a 90 day supply, and that I should have paid a $105.00 co-pay for the $35.99 retail package. Before he could ask me for the extra $70, I quickly hung up the phone and ended my globetrotting sojourn.

And so concluded my round the world adventure. My travels took me a little over an hour to complete. I can’t wait to tell my story back at the Reform Club in old Londontown.







Suck it, Phileas Fogg



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