Spin Doctor Reflux

I’ve often written about Spin Doctors. How they work for health insurance carriers and pharmaceutical companies to put a positive spin on all the nasty things that they do.

It occurred to me that the Medical Profession could use some positive spin themselves. After all, people tend to be uncomfortable with health care providers because of the nasty things that they say and do. So why don’t Doctors start putting a positive spin on different diseases, medical procedures and other terminology?

For example. Let’s take Diabetes. Everyone dreads hearing the following words coming out of their Doctor’s mouth:

“Mr. Jones, your blood work came back. I’m afraid that you are diabetic. We are going to have to start you on a series of medications and a restricted diet in order to determine what steps are needed in order to get your blood sugar levels into the normal range.”

Yuk. No wonder why people hate going to the doctor. So instead of calling the disease ‘diabetes’, why not start calling it being ‘too sweet’ instead? Technically correct, and a hell of a lot less scary to hear. Here’s the same thing after the medical Spin Doctoring:

“Aw, Mr. Jones, you are just too sweet! What ARE we going to do with you?”

As a further enhancement, this diagnosis could be delivered by a cute young female doctor, with a nice Southern accent. Who wouldn’t want to hear that?

Here are some other Spin Doctored medical terms, before and after:



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Colonoscopy = Heiny Spelunking
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Before:

“Mr. Jones, it’s time that we schedule you a colonoscopy”

After:

“Mr. Jones, who’s up for for some Heiny Spelunking this weekend?”


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Endoscopy = Belly-Telly
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Before:

“Mr. Jones, we need to examine your stomach lining and duodenum for ulcers amd polyps. Please call the surgical center to schedule an endoscopy”

After:

“Smile Mr. Jones – you’re going to be on Belly Telly!”


Get the picture? Now, let’s try stringing a bunch together…

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Genital Warts = Love Bumps
Cauterization = Sizzler
General Anesthesia = Happyville
Catheter = Auto-Tinkler
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Before:

“Mrs. Jones, those lesions appear to be Genital Warts. In fact, they are the worst case that I have ever encountered. I’m afraid that your best option at this juncture is cauterization. This is a surgical procedure that will require general anesthesia. Post surgery, to prevent complications, we will need to insert a catheter into your uretha”


After:

“Mrs. Jones, you got the love bumps! Let’s go to the Sizzler in Happyville and get you an Auto-Tinkler!”

Wow! This is easy and fun to do! I never realized James Carville has such an simple job!

Here are some other terms, pre and post Spin Doctoring:


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Frontal Lobotomy = Making Nice-Nice

Incision = Boo-Boo

Amputation = 10% off

Rhinoplasty = Anti-Streisand

Castration - Ken Job

Craniotomy - Pop Top

Electroshock Therapy - Catching a Buzz

Gastric Bypass - Jenny Craig Special

Liposuction - Weight-Washers
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I’ve got a bunch more for my next post. You can play too! Comment me some suggestions and I will include them next time.

Have fun!


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