Healthcare Hullabaloo: A Hairy Proposition

Oh, the wonders of modern pharmaceuticals!

From the most insignificant of problems, to major health issues, there seems to be a pill for everything these days, thanks to the fine folks running our pharmaceutical industry.

Recently, I heard a very sad story on the local news. A young 20-something male was faced with an embarrassing social problem. In his late teens, he started losing his hair.

Many of us have faced a similar dilemma, but few of us have had to face it at such an early age. This young man was heartbroken – how was he ever going to meet and court young ladies with a bald pate?

Fortunately, this young man happened across an advertisement for Rogaine, the miracle baldness cure from McNiel Labs. After a quick visit to his family doctor, he soon began a Rogaine regiment to combat his folliclely-challenged condition. Lo and behold – the Rogaine worked! He soon was sporting a full head of hair.

Unfortunately, that was all he was sporting.

Sadly, the young man failed to read the fine print on the Rogaine label. It seems that a potential side effect of this super shampoo is male impotence. So, even though he was now able to attract the opposite sex with his lustrous mane, he was unable to, er, close the deal, so to speak.

Bummer. All dressed up and no place to go. At this point, his story kind of sounds like a modern day O. Henry tale, doesn’t it? Kinda like ‘The Gift of the Magi’, except that the Magi has been replaced by a smiling pharmaceutical rep.

Sadly, the story doesn’t end here.

Disheartened and frustrated, the young man had a tough decision to make – Did he want to be known as ‘Curly’ or ‘Woody’?

After much contemplation, he decided that ‘Woody’ was the nickname for him. Perhaps he would never capture the heart of his dream girl with his shining tete, but at least he still would have other options (even if those other options left him blind). Besides, perhaps there were some young ladies who were Yul Brynner fans who would like his new look!

So, he stopped using the Rogaine, and waited for his hair to fall out and his best friend to wake up. But it was not to be.

Apparently, even further down in the fine print of the Rogaine label, they mentioned that the male impotence can sometimes become permanent, and this young man discovered that ‘sometimes’, for him, was now. And our little O. Henry story now begins to sound like something out of the twilight zone.

Faced with bald, flaccid future, this young man became extremely depressed. So depressed, in fact, that he decided to voluntarily dispatch himself from the planet at the age of 21.

This is a tragic tale, but a precautionary one as well. While modern medications can be lifesavers for those patients with serious or even life-threatening conditions, are they worth the risk of potentially serious side effects? Are you really willing to risk impotence just to get a fuller head of hair? Is it worth losing your large intestine just to have a clear complexion? Or risk high blood pressure in order to overcome your shyness?

Madison Avenue would have us answer ‘yes’ to these questions. Television commercials and print advertisements naturally show the up side of these medications while downplaying the potential for disaster that many of these medications represent. Drug information packets are written in language that the average person would have difficulty understanding, even if they were resolved to forge their way through all of that fine print.

However, once properly educated, I would think that most of us would answer ‘no’, especially when we are deciding whether or not to take these ‘vanity’ pharmaceuticals.

But, As Dennis Miller often said, that's just my opiniom. I may be wrong.

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