Healthcare Hullabaloo: Lawyer Labels

For me, nothing reflects the sad state of our society more than those lawyer labels – those little “please-don’t-sue-me-just-because-you-are-an-idiot” warnings that seem to adorn just about everything that is made in this country. From the side rear view mirror on our cars to our computer keyboards, Lawyer Labels are everywhere. And every year, they get more and more absurd.

I saw one recently on a jar of peanut butter that read “WARNING: THIS PRODUCT CONTAINS PEANUTS”. I know that peanut allergies have serious consequences, but if you have peanut allergies and crack open a jar of peanut butter, maybe the allergies aren’t your biggest concern…. Perhaps, instead, it’s just God’s plan for you to depart this planet and help improve the Human genome in the process. In any event, if the peanut allergy sufferer makes and eats a thick PB&J and then blows up like Snoopy in the Macy’s parade, they really shouldn’t hold Skippy responsible.

But that just ain’t the case. And lawyer labels are the result – a valiant last-ditch effort to insulate corporations from the ATL hordes.

I heard another one on TV the other night – in a commercial for the prescription sleep aid Lunesta. At the end of the commercial, the spokesperson stated that “drowsiness” is a side effect of this powerful sleeping pill.

Really? Isn’t drowsiness an EFFECT of this medication – in fact, THE VERY EFFECT that you purchased it for in the first place? Makes sense, but you know that some corporate suit at Sunovion Pharmaceuticals, maker of Lunesta, decided it was necessary to include this little factoid in case some brain-dead moron does some serious damage after taking this pill.

I can almost write the script: Some neuron-challenged individual takes his Lunesta, hops in his car, and takes off down the road. After a short while, he doses off behind the wheel and rear-ends a busload of senior citizens on their way to Atlantic City. The bus lights up like a Pinto full of Napalm, reducing everyone to a pile of ashes.

Next, our hero’s equally challenged next of kin hires a lawyer who advertises on the Jerry Springer show to sue Sunovion Pharmaceuticals, and the families of the extra-crispy seniors join in. Yada, yada, yada, Sunovion Pharmaceuticals, on the advice of their lawyers, settles the suits out of court, and everybody ends up with a payday that rivals hitting the nickel slot progressive at the Borgota.

Everyone wins – except, of course, the poor schmucks who still take Lunesta, who are now paying an extra $15 bucks a month for their little sleepytime pills.

Another brick in our pockets as we try to swim the sea of rising health care costs. I hope that you waited a half hour after eating before you started to swim. Don’t worry if you forgot - by 2012 all swimsuits sold in the USA will probably have a warning label to remind you. Looking at the latest Jantzen catalog makes me wonder - where can they find room for a label?

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