Healthcare Hullabaloo: Misery

Yep – I’ve gotten some positive feedback regarding my last post about Lawyer Labels. Some people sounded as if they actually felt sorry for Sunovion Pharmaceuticals, makers of Lunesta.

Believe me, creating a wave of sympathy for a pharmaceutical company was the last thing I wanted to do. Besides, Sunovion Pharmaceuticals is not alone in their quest to insulate themselves from litigious losers. Witness, if you will, the following real life examples of how over-zealous attorneys are doing their part in ruining our healthcare system….

Demazin Infant Drops

This baby medicine has the following warning label:

This formula may cause drowsiness, if affected do not operate heavy machinery or drive a vehicle.

Good advice. I’m always uncomfortable when a 5 month old operates an industrial milling machine, especially when he’s had a few. “Careful with that Bridgeport Billy – it can give you a nasty boo-boo!

Here’s another:

Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine

Do not drive a car or run machinery.

More good advice. That’s why whenever my little princess has the sniffles, I always hide the keys to the Boss 429…

Of course, kids are not the only ones at risk. Consider if you will this warning label on Equate brand Aspirin:

Warning, Do not take if allergic to Aspirin

Who knew? I, for one, have always been under the popular misconception that allergic reactions don’t happen when you use the shitty store brand. Thank goodness for these helpful labels.

In the same vein, the people who make Zantac acid reducer offer us this useful insight:

Do not take if allergic to Zantac.

Oh, so if I’m allergic to something, DON’T TAKE IT. Now I get it.

Now this is not technically a Lawyer Label, but it’s too good to pass up:

Prescription Prometh Cough Medicine

Take one – two teaspoons full by mouth.

You know, after reading this, I now realize why I can’t sit comfortably when I have a cold. Problem solved!

Sometimes the warning labels are gender specific, like this label from the makers of Midol:

Ask a doctor before use if you have difficulty urinating due to an enlarged prostate.

Yeah, I have an enlarged prostate. And it really pisses me off. Not all of the time – just for 3 or 4 days every month

Finally, the makers of Children’s Dimetapp offer us this sage advice:

If pregnant or breast-feeding, ask a health professional before use.

This one’s all our fault, folks. For years Oprah has been warning us about the teenage pregnancy epidemic. Now I fear we’re too late.

Of course, our pharmaceutical industry is not alone in their adoption of Lawyer Labels. Here are some non-drug related examples to chew on.

The makers of a Child-Sized Superman Costume think it’s important to warn us:

Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

On second thought, I’m not sure if this one isn’t drug –related. I believe that, in legal circles, this one’s called the “Diane Linkletter” clause.

We’re all being taught to “Use –Re-Use – Recycle” I guess that this is why the makers of Liquid Plumber Drain Cleaner had to point out that every rule has some exceptions:

Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.

I wish I read this before I had to spend the rest of my life eating through a tube…

I guess it’s the fault of those looney college kids with their crazy fads that caused a mattress maker to label their products thusly:

Warning: Do not attempt to swallow

Finally, in the irony department, comes the following warning label from the makers of Carefree Sugarless Gum.

Use of this product may be hazardous to your health. This product contains Saccharin, which has been determined to cause cancer in laboratory animals.

Not so carefree after all.

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